Taco Bell Got Lewd Again

I’m back at that review game. This post is being created in a different fashion than my White Label review, which was awkwardly tapped into my WordPress app. This draft started as handwritten. In the words of my fellow alma mater graduates: “Stay classy, SVSU.”

My tools of the trade as of this writing were the Tomsk Konstruktor TM (HB) grade, which does smell strongly of pine sap and freshly cut lumber. It’s very pretty as far as pencils go! Not much can beat Cyrillic in my opinion for the branding. I am also tag-teaming myself with a caffeine rush with both original Mountain Dew and coffee. Please note that the “tools of the trade” idea is a direct reference to the Erasable Podcast, which can be found here.

The Naked Chalupa from Taco Bell was released earlier this year as the newest weird food wrapping since the Quesalupa Venture of 2016. There was one limited release that I really loved, and that was the steak flatbread (hint, hint, Taco Bell people?). I liked the waffle and biscuit tacos, too, but I think a comeback of those is too much to hope for, especially when a reviewer talks about it using the word “regret”. Maybe I’m just buying into the opportunistic marketing of Taco Bell’s breakfast menu and Mountain Dew’s partnership, but I digress.

Personally, I hate the Naked Chalupa marketing pitch, with a passion. The last thing I need as a fellow on the asexual spectrum is the further sexualization of the world around me. I eat good food to get AWAY from that kind of experience. I’m hardly trying to re-create it!

The packaging of this thing follows that same idea of scandal and pornographic reference, with a “censored” print of the taco’s nether region in all its chicken-y glory. I must admit that while pixelated designs make my heart melt (blame it on my branch of service; semper fi), I don’t need the mental image of taco nether regions.

The chicken patty is a heavily seasoned, reddish wafer of breading and meat, and it is exactly as spicy as one would think. I think it’s buffalo chicken, but don’t quote me on it. The only things that bugged me about it were how thin it was and how dry – after I had eaten the thing, I felt grains in my mouth. Imagine chicken-bread. There, you go. Dry chicken might be the trade-off from having it be the taco shell, however.

What really brings this thing together is the insides: fresh tomatoes and lettuce, and the sauce, which is a very pale green and as spiced up as the chicken shell. More or less, the blending of sweet, fresh, and spicy make this thing a winner (of sorts).

Be warned, however: the Nude Chicken Wafer is a messy experience to eat. I had gone to town on a whim (my home office is in the rural colon of our Mighty Mitt) to get some Taco Bell, and I was indeed on the road, in my Marine Corps and university decals, my queer flag a-flyin’ in the sunlight, with a handful of pale green sauce and the veggies sprawled across my belly. It made me think of those trick glasses that leak your juice when you try to drink it. Ah, humanity!

One would imagine that the foil wrapping would catch the excess, and it does, but not when you are driving and there is no flat surface to be had. I would recommend the Lewd Chicken Taco for folks who want a fresh spicy experience, but you might want to wait until you find a tabletop to eat the thing on.

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Author: benweaverhihello

NB. MI. USMC. BA.

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